The book says she is a redhead with a tight sweater, which I think is some faggy British way of saying she’s got nice tits. So there’s some people and they’re at the beach, and one of them is a botanist – have you heard of these guys? They study plants which is boring, and do I look like the kind of guy who cares about plants? Anyway, this botanist professor guy meets some young broad in a bar. This book is set in Wales – and firstly, why are these people naming their shithole country after a fish? Name your country something strong and proud like God Bless America, don’t name your country something stupid like Whales or France. They are bad for America, bad for seafood, and overall TERRIBLE and NOT NICE. They are probably responsible for 9/11 because they helped plan it with Obama, who literally founded ISIS. But we knew this, and we said that these crabs are terrible, just terrible. This book is about crabs and first of all, these crabs – and let me tell you we knew this from the beginning – they are bad guys. Come on, idiot! Name your book right. Secondly, I don’t want any jokes about pubic lice (aka “crabs”), okay? Its just not going to happen. I couldn’t believe it, okay? A better title is Several Days of Crabs. This book is called Night of the Crabs, but it doesn’t take place at night. Lets get one or two things clear right from the get-go.

Editor’s Note (Admiral Fartmore): Wow, sounds like these crabs really were huge.

Killer Crabs by Guy N. Smith